A quick note before I start my day. I spent the whole night with him, five hours of roaming the city and walking through drizzle and trying to figure out somewhere fun to be. I was so content, and I’ve come to a few conclusions.
This is the first guy that I genuinely hold a strong sexual attraction to. Sometimes I get distracted talking to him because when he’s not kissing me I’m just thinking about how much I wish he was.
I think the root of this sexual energy is from the fact that our bodies sync rhythms very naturally. I don’t feel self-conscious when he touches me. Instead, I’m very aware of myself and how everything feels and I like that a lot. I came to this conclusion a few minutes ago when I recalled his comment on the fact that I didn’t lag behind when we walked, and I think it’s because we were holding hands and my footsteps just matched his naturally, because like I said, our bodies seem very in tune with each other.
Which is why I understand now why I like his kissing so much. I feel like everything he does with me is indicative of skill. When he kisses me - the way he does, skillfully and slowly and playfully and then with more force - I feel like he’s in control of me, like he absolutely knows what he’s doing and that he’s very, very good at it. I like the control, and the hints of roughness, assertive qualities that I am highly attracted to in men. I enjoy that kind of aggression, the way he presses into me, pulls my hair to position me how he wants me, pausing now and then to assess me and smirk. I am not averse to the idea of sleeping with him. Honestly, I really want to.
I like that he can go from having a conversation with me to kissing me to making me laugh and it’s all easy. I like that even the way he holds my hand feels like he’s directing my body. I like that he understands my sensuality so he just runs his fingers along my arms and thighs just because. Every gesture is a turn-on because he reads my body language well and leads with his own and he lets me touch him without making me feel silly or awkward for it. Despite the fact that he teases me about being a virgin (“Once you start having sex you’ll understand” / “shut up I’m not five”), I don’t really mind this either.
I told him that when I start school in the fall I’ll be like fifteen minutes away from him, and that’s interesting to note, that I’ll have a proper excuse to see him and everything. He was pleased with this news.
But I liked tonight. Being alone with him and chatting and all that. I suppose sooner or later maybe something will happen between us. I don’t want to like, date him or anything major. But I hope to eventually act on this sexual attraction.