No One Loves in Slow Motion, But it Feels That Way

Not having any source of money for even little things that I need or would like makes me feel so helpless all the time. And sad.

Very sad.

Today was a bittersweet day. We went to pick up grades and our new list of classes. I mostly like my schedule. It hasn’t changed drastically so I can’t complain. And I have a class with Gazi! Which oddly made my day to discover. Unfortunately, I have really screwed myself over in the grade department. And I can’t tell anyone about that so much because it’s really terrible.

On the bright side, the weather today was absolutely splendid! This is the nicest winter ever, honestly. After rehearsal my friends and I hung out for a bit on the college campus across the street. By the way, it was nice seeing my friends. And I had this really pleasant lunch date with this girl I’m acquainted with! I used to be slightly infatuated with her when I was a sophomore. She’s so lovely. We just chatted about all kinds of things and it was cute and hopefully we’ll talk more and all. I really enjoy her company.

In other news, I tried to help Elizabeth analyze some of her poems. I think it proved useful. As for me, I’m almost done! I’m really proud of myself for not procrastinating on this. I even brought my laptop to school as my personal way of utilizing every idle moment. I’m trying to reduce stress in my life, and restore more balance. This is a good start.

SING rehearsal was also blah. One of my roles was taken out, which pissed me off. I feel like my presence in the show is being diminished less and less. I don’t know.

I guess I’m cheery today.

andoutcamethewolf:

That one girl in high school you’ve always had a crush on who is completely and utterly straight, who you occasionally see around and you whisper to yourself, “that’s wifey” and then you pretend she’s about to confess her undying love for you when she’s running towards you to say hi and you try to prolong your hug but it hurts too much because she will never be yours

(via yaaaladin)

I have school in the morning. Except not really, we’re just picking up schedules and staying around for rehearsals. But I am required to wake early, and I don’t want to slave over this essay any longer, but I’m fucking exhausted. I’ve been doing this nonstop over the last few days. It’s fun, but it’s fatiguing. It takes a lot of brain power to decipher other people’s cryptic little messages.

The movie Man on Fire will always have me in tears at the ending…

Balance. 

Stress is created by imbalance. I have a lot of stress. It’s petty caused by stupid things like an imbalance of priorities, or a conflict of interest, and other things. That doesn’t mean it’s any less stressful—it still has a negative impact and weighs a toll. 

I am realizing more and more that the things that give me grief are my own doing and they are a direct result of all the little imbalances running amok in my life.

I am trying to restore some of that shifted weight. 

I am trying to be calm and not feel overwhelmed and not board in feelings so much and I have to teach myself these things because they are important.

My way of dealing with things is being the “Yes” person, and keeping quiet, and letting things avalanche.

Pretty soon I’ll have a fresh start with most things. I just really need to keep my life in balance. It is essential. 

Fuck meter and scansion.

I’ve been sitting here analyzing this for half an hour. This isn’t even my poem; I’m just doing someone a favor.

This is stupid. I’m so pissed off.

I find that we don’t have to be identical to mesh. I’m one of those “opposites attract” kinds of people, and I’m way more interested in ways a person is different from me than the other way around. But I think I like being different from a person as long as we have a common ground. This is true even now. This girl, for example, is very opposite of me in little ways. But I feel like our ground is our past acquaintance with each other, an appreciation of the macabre, and a poetic/intelligible way of expressing things. I don’t care what else about us contradicts or varies.

With others I have found this to be true. With one particular person, we have this base of humour and reading and writing and being able to hold conversation pleasantly. Those are things to fall back on. But I also like that we are knowledgeable in different topics, because there is so much I know nothing about. People who are the opposite of you will give you lots of perspective to consider. They kind of open you up, you know? And I love that about meeting/talking/loving people. That I can become better versed in areas of his/her interest just by what they share.Things like that.

I think this is why diversity has always meant so much to me. I didn’t really come to a proper understanding of myself until I was among so many people unlike me. It’s great to have a community feel, to know people who look like you and think like you, who understand your experiences, agree with your beliefs, and share your interests. The feeling of belonging is lovely but there’s no adventure in it. 

I’m always heavily drawn to people who are everything I’m not. Sometimes they remind me of what I wish I was. Sometimes they don’t. I’m curious just the same.

moosevox asked: Do you think occasional failure is necessary for being sensible?

I very much think so. In the same way a little sadness is useful for appreciating happiness—a little failure is necessary for reminding us that things don’t always go marvelously and perfection doesn’t actually exist. I don’t think people should aim to fail, and I don’t think failure is something you should settle for but, it keeps you grounded. When something goes wrong, you learn to take a deep breath, assess the situation, and avoid that mistake for future reference. People who are unaccustomed to failure have unrealistic expectations. In small dosages (because too much leaves you hopeless), it makes you reasonable and often helps to redirect your energy and focus. A lot of good has sprouted out of the occasional mishap. It should be considered a motivator rather than an obstruction.

There is a giant spider living in my bathroom. Well, not giant. It’s about the size of my thumbnail. Not very terrible. It happens thatI am the only one in my family fond of spiders. (I am slightly afraid of them but would never harm one.) My sister said she wouldn’t kill it if I named him Balthazar.

There is a spider named Balthazar living in my bathroom.