1. Tell me I’m cute or something so I can like roll my eyes at you but then blush when I think about it later

    (Source: 949520, via black--lamb)


  2. i love anonymous compliments, you guys are so nice to me and so supportive 


  3. Anonymous said: you are absolutely gorgeous


    you’re too sweet


  4. eyes


  5. Today is the birthday of [one of] the boy[s] I like, this being the one who’s like six years older than me and whom I only get to see every six months, that one. This is a meaningless announcement because yeah, so? His birthday really has very little to do with me in actuality, I’m not part of the celebration if he even is doing anything, and honestly I was only reminded via Facebook (I mean, I knew, because I had asked once but that was my reminder) and so I texted him for the occasion but the whole thing is underwhelming, knowing that I can be attracted so much to a guy I don’t stand a chance with. The whole thing is stupid. I feel dumb every time I talk about men. Or look at them. I like to pretend that having multiple crushes equates to having “options” but the reality is that no one is going to marry me, you know? No one really is trying to claim me right now. Which is fine. I’m not trying to make a sob story of it. Actually after all my venting last night, I realized that I don’t want a boyfriend or a jumpstart to maternity. I don’t even like men. I’m just going through some cycles of loneliness, I guess. I have to fill the spaces with something else to avoid hurting myself.


  6. My romantic life is dead dead dead which isn’t a bad thing but it becomes glaringly obnoxious how much I am craving physical contact and the emotional satisfaction of someone to direct my feelings at. Honestly, I love sensual things so much that I would be content with a partner to kiss and cuddle with and I’d be so happy. I think it’s funny how these little activities become the gaps of a full life. I think it’s sad how love is what everything is measured against. But things will get better for sure, I hope.


  7. i want to be friends with the boy from my school. i don’t think i want to date or kiss him, but we like so many of the same things, i want him to be a staple part of my college experience


  8. I can’t say little things like “I missed you” or “I love you” or “I really like the sound of your voice” without it being a big thing (because it’s me and everything i say is emphatic and deliberate) but i think these things all the time. I feel guilty and conflicted doing so, and confused and sad and optimistic — all these feelings tangled together and directed at someone who may only love me as a friend. 

    Honestly I am too scared to ask anymore. So I am just going to dismiss the whole mess altogether.

    The feeling will subside. I think there’s a lot of misdirected affection on my part, and I just want to believe something can happen when it doesn’t need to. I’m fine. Everything is going to be fine. I have this awful of letting my emotions get the best of me. I don’t need him to date me. He’s never going to be my “boyfriend”, and that’s okay. 

    It’s so okay. We have such a valuable role in each other’s lives, and that is precious to me and I’m really content. I’m really happy. I love that boy with my whole heart and I do miss him, and I just want to keep him in my life forever. But I have to respect where we are, how we belong to each other, and I have to content myself with that. 

    But I do worry that no one else will add up. Which isn’t fair. That’s why I’m trying to be patient.


  9. the phrase “sexually frustrated virgin” sounds almost oxymoronic which is why it’s especially interesting to me and also super applicable 


  10. They’re blasting so much soca next door right now and I’m kinda sad about it

    Wish I could say I will be turning up for labor day but Esther and I are having a homework party instead


  11. I think my baby fever is related to the full moon and maybe i’m like, ovulating or something and that’s why men keep catcalling me (i read somewhere that women are found more attractive based on where they’re at in their menstrual cycle so that’s my operating theory for this madness)


  12. *whispers* happy labor day

    Today is the West Indian day parade, which I’ve never been to. I get really sad about it and seeing all the flags on eastern parkway / church & Utica makes me really sad about it and I feel very “American” and isolated

    I’m blaming this displacement on my mother


  13. yourbiaslikesitrough replied to your post “there are so many kinds of pretty and i’m like, low on the scale…”

    chill you a 7.5/8 and im a hard 4 with the right filter.

    dear esther, 

    shut UP we’re both pretty
    i’m too shallow to be friends with you otherwise that’s how you know


  14. milliondollarnigga replied to your post: honestly i can’t even trust myself rig…

    oh boy.

    but seriously! i am a hazard to myself right now, hormones are wild & being hetero is awful


  15. (Source: punktion, via alienosullaterra)